I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
