I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
