Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
