just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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