could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
