I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
