I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
