Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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