The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize