Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
