matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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