i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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