I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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