Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
