Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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