I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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