I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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