a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
OPIZZABONMYDICK
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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