Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
