..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
