Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
