Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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