If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
