Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
