I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize