Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
