Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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