gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
