matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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