I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
