My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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