No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
