FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
