a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
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