So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
