Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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