How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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