: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
