just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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