I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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