i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just had sex bonerless
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
