I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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