Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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