Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
