we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
