i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize