I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i think i just lost a toe
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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