Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
