Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
