Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
