Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Randomize
