i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
