Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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