I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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