You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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