My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
