i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
