why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
