Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
