Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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