I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
