Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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