I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
