escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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