I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
