I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
they need to just BURY HIM!
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
